Goodbye to the Mysteries of You
A Black Metal Experiment with Afrotectopia
Who are we before we experience Black Metal … before we enter the Dark Voyage?
“Black Metal is a new protocol for space travel. Simultaneously, it is a tool for navigating the inner self. By going on this interstellar journey through space and back, trainers unlock their potential. Black Metal is a pedagogy for the self.” Black Metal was created in collaboration between Jordan Caldwell, Kordae Jatafa Henry, Jeremy Kamal, and Ari Melenciano.
In creating this piece, I was given the prompt to leave an artifact behind for future voyagers who would experience Black Metal. This is what happened…
In catching my reflection, I find how eerie and beautiful my structure is. Within me lies a roadmap to all I could ever need. Why is it that so often we turn a blind eye to that which is in front of us? Unaware of the countless functions our bodies perform, we move through life without a thought for the act of breathing, the heart pumping blood, or the simple blink of an eye. Within us, all the fragments come together to create one intricate whole. The human mind and body are a marvel, and when neglected or forgotten, they fight back.
Quite often, I forget to be grateful for all that I am — not for what I will be or can become, but for all that sits with me at my feet. This lack of sensitivity leaves me feeling alienated — disconnected from my body, my thoughts, and my own motivations. It begins subtly — missed cues, ignored needs, and a refusal to listen to the body and soul. Over time, this neglect compounds, transforming into a heavy weight that pulls us further from ourselves. We become strangers to our own being, drifting aimlessly through a fog of disconnection.
Black Metal reminds us that we often focus our attention on the external world, forgetting that our own vessel holds the key to new beginnings. How I wish to listen — to follow the map within and avoid being led astray. Distracted by the lights that captivate my eyes, I lose the ability to step back from constant stimuli. I yearn for a return to home. The Dark Voyage seems like the last hope before destruction takes us to our knees — before we tear our world apart and leave ourselves facing a bitter end.
Instead of becoming a loving companion, guiding myself with care and intention, I have turned into an accomplice in the destruction of my own heart. We must return to the start.
Neglect is the first sign leading to a state of distress…
In catching my reflection, I ask, why did I last? How have I come to still exist right now?
In catching my reflection, I discovered it was reflection itself — the ability to look back and explore what makes me smile, cry, frown, laugh, and experience the full spectrum of being human.
From the moment I open my eyes, my mind is immediately exposed to stimuli to go to work with. When we think about it, most objects cause a chain reaction of associations. For example, I look out the window upon waking and see the sun. The sun warms me and reminds me of my bike ride the day before. Suddenly, I’m tossed back into the past, re-experiencing the sensations and thoughts I had on that ride. As fragments of this memory surface, fragments of my dream begin to trickle in.
Surely when we wake up, a mix of thoughts and sensations are already occurring, whether that be from a present bodily state or from the dream we have awoken from. All of this is occurring and I am still in bed…What springs me up now? What makes me start the day? It usually falls between a need to use the bathroom, an obligation, or an executive decision that the day must begin. My future actions are now influenced and motivated by this chain reaction of association. Oftentimes dictating moods and capacity for action. Without a connection to a memory, a past experience, I would not be able to make the decision to make my tea, brush my teeth, or more importantly go to the job that morning. My experiences affect my present state which will now influence my future. My experiences guide my future.
Memories as a roadmap to our values. Memories as the roadmap to our present life.
Memory is a complex phenomena in the field of neuroscience. According to Tulving, a pioneer for episodic memory and the ideas of mental time traveling, there are two separate pathways for two kinds of memories. One being memories of life experiences with the individual at the center. These memories involve the element of time and are known today as episodic memories. The other is memories of intellectually acquired knowledge. These memories are not experienced but learned by study and are known as semantic memories. Each of us holds a map consisting of images, words, actions, desires, ambitions, fantasies, etc. That map is guiding your feet whether you are aware of it or not. In scientific terms, we know this roughly as the schema. Where did this thought come from? Where does it lead? What is the message I’m trying to communicate to myself? Where do I want to go?
Where will I go if I do nothing?
If I live in communion with my default mode network (DMN), the network in our bodies associated with our personal narrative and non thinking functions, where will I go? Our default mode network is made up from about 4 different brain regions. In conjunction, these regions pull on our schema, situate and bring awareness to the individual self, and cause us to behave in a way we have before. The DMN is the active network when our mind is at rest. In states of wakeful rest, daydreaming, mind wandering, self reflecting, thinking of others, remembering the past, planning for the future, and thinking of theory of mind, the DMN is at work. Understanding the DMN is our mind’s resting state is critical because we must know what is consuming the mind while the body is at rest. Episodic memory partly comes from the very regions of the DMN.
What is my default and what memories are guiding its behavior?
In digging through my recollections, I found themes to my memories.
Intimacy between lovers
Objects and items associated with a perceived home
Reflections on my internal state
Freedom and exploration of childhood
Beauty and self care, attention to self
Being mothered, watched over, and surveilled
Play and wonder between peers
I have maintained a level of vagueness in order to add both positive and negative streams of thought to associate with each theme. In my personal digging, I found that I normally have both associations. For example, my memories of beauty and self care started in childhood. Watching the women in my life look into the mirror and give themselves the attention caused me to do the same. I have memories of getting my hair done, feeling beautiful after a blow out, and experimenting with different styles that also nurtured my playfulness. These all shaped positive emotions and gave me the value that I must attend and maintain my beauty. That it was an essential practice I would partake in. Fast forward to gaining an autonoetic consciousness. This term is also in reference to Tulving, who coined the term as consciousness that can situate oneself on a timeline and consider itself in the past, present, and future ( mental time travel). These same memories I now associate with negative emotions because of the future experiences they gave me. The attention to self and beauty left me with an over compensation in the physical and material. It made me value my appearance and believe it was all I could offer in the world. Thankfully, I’m doing the best I can at finding a healthy balance with my memories of beauty. Understanding where I truly fall in relation to my appearance, how much of it is really affecting me, and am I letting it be a main guide in the decisions I make in my life. This same process can be done with all our memories and the themes/patterns we see present in them. My default is going to be the pattern I follow until I change what my default is. In order to change the default it must be explored.
Memories in general though can be very tricky. When partaking in reflection, I can find the act of remembering troublesome. Sometimes only remembering a feeling, a state, a place, a person, or even just a feature. Although we may not always have full context, an impression is formed on an object, place, or person we do remember. This impression offers a sense of personal value we place on what is remembered. Research in the field of neuroscience indicates that memory and choice are closely linked. It is difficult for scientists to measure the quality of our memories. Just how it can be difficult for us. Focused on positive emotions leaves me to create a fairytale. An envisioned reality. While focusing on negative emotions dictates my life as tragedy. This awareness of the current state and its impact on retrieval leads me to ponder the clarity and authenticity of memory.
What do I leave out of the frame in remembering a moment?
How does my current state of mind affect that framing? When does selective memory take over and craft the narrative I continuously tell myself? What have I left out that is carrying out the action and non action I partake in?
In thinking about selective memory I’m brought back to this idea of a narrative. The things we leave in frame are what we want to believe. Most importantly what is fueling the fire. In the process of selective memory those details we suppress still live within us. How much of selective memory is just the body’s own mechanism for survival?
As I mentioned earlier, memory is tricky. It can be opaque, framed, or entirely distorted depending on its impression on us in the initial encounter, the state we are in upon retrieval, and the narrative we have built for ourselves. In crafting a future, memory is important because it’s what we look to for our future actions. In entering the Dark Voyage I question what will happen to my memories. Will I have to let go of some in order to become the person I know I must be? Will I be triggered into remembering those that could never meet me?
I thought it’d be interesting to get a view of my present map. A snapshot of memories thought to be guiding my feet. In leaving this artifact for a future voyager, my aim is to spark the map of memories that guide their behaviors. A piece that can be seen before the voyage is initiated and after. That way we get a comparison of the different roads we now travel on.
Last words I’ll leave you with….
I had visions of my past
What would I do about the gaps
that exist between each fact
Not taking up space
Will leave me little to no case
Guided by the subconscious
To reveal its content
A mission I’ve imposed
Become a detective to expose
Fall deep into the mysteries of you
All roads lead back to truth
Where images collide
And give life to the makeup of time
Distant fragments will arise
That nurture the path we stride
Dispelled in the rain
The slate has been washed away
Forgotten is the pain
Causing me to contemplate
What will guide my feet
When I lose access to past memories
Final piece arranged and painted by me for the exhibition :)
Big thank you to Ari and Afrotectopia for stimulating this work!
References
Tulving, E. (2002). Episodic memory: from mind to brain. Annual Review of Psychology, 53(1), 1–25. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.53.100901.135114